


can y’all shut up

by smudgywords



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: :), Ben is alive, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, F/F, M/M, No Apocalypse, No Fucking Incest Ya Nasties, five is bi, group chat au, lesbian Vanya, lots of swearing, probably something that has to do with depression, since thats where all my stories go, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2019-12-30 05:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18308957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smudgywords/pseuds/smudgywords
Summary: santa klaus: hey whats gucci bae famfive: please fucking stop im begging you





	1. diego has a lego fetish and luther has a monkey brain

**Author's Note:**

> santa klaus: klaus  
> five: five lol  
> lensbian: vanya  
> xoxo, gossip girl: allison  
> luthor: luthor lol  
> hentai?: ben  
> go diego go: diego

( _hhhhhHHHH, 1:00 AM)_

santa klaus: hey every1 luther is being a lil bitch again just to let u know

five: isn’t he a bitch all the time 

go diego go: what did he do now

santa klaus: he EATS my fucjing Olive Garden leftovers 

five: oh no

santa klaus: and then has the audacity to tell me that I should have eaten it when I had the chance

go diego go: what the fuck does he think the point of bringing leftovers home is

five: may I ask when u went to Olive Garden 

santa klaus: like a day ago why

five: and you went there, alone

five: on your lonesome

five: all by yourself 

santa klaus: yeah what about it

five: you went WITHOUT your favorite sibling 

santa klaus: I asked ben if he wanted to go and he said no 

go diego go: ooh man 

five: the audacity 

five: I bring you Chinese takeout and this is the respect I get

lensbian: guys its 1 am

five: and???

go diego go: how did u even get chinese takeout ur like 2

santa klaus: uh oh

lensbian: im goi g back to sleep so i dont hjave to witness this shitstorm

go diego go: omg hes still typing

santa klaus: look what youve done you upset grandpa

five: say goodbye to lego store <3 xox

go diego go: FIVE

santa klaus: SKSKSKKSKS

five: @EVERYONE I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF UR ASLEEP I NEED TO BE HEARD

Luther: Five, watch your language and get some sleep, it's very late.

lensbian: whaaaat i want sleep

xoxo, gossip girl: #blocked

hentai?: ughgGHgGHgH

hentai?: wait whats this about lego store 

lensbian: nvm im interested

Luther: Alright, what do you have to say? 

Luther: Should we call a family meeting?

five: hmm

five: i dont know if i hate diego enough to do that

Luther: Don't say that! He's your brother! 

five: thats funny 

Luther: Why is that funny? I'm yelling at you.

hentai?: shh luther

xoxo, gossip girl: omg five shut ur mouth right now i stg

santa klaus: do it five spill the tea lil man

five: its funny bc before it seemed you didnt think of us as siblings,,,if you know what i mean. (The whole allison thing) (where you guys liked eachother) 

lensbian: why did u explain it like five times

five: i have to be careful his lil monkey brain is so tiny idk if he understood

hentai?: tear him apart five!!! 

santa klaus: ily five

xoxo, gossip girl: OMG SHUT the fuck up FIVE 

five: (:

Luther: Okay, first of all, 

santa klaus: SSKSKSKKSKSKKS

Luther: It was a phase. Allison and I obviously don't have crushes on eachother anymore.

xoxo, gossip girl: god i hope we dont

five: currently cackling

hentai?: i can vouch for that i can hear him dying in the room next to mine

Luther: Second of all, the only part of my body that is close to being related to a monkey is my blood, not my brain.

five: hey dumbass where does blood flow

santa klaus: dick?

five: nope wrong answer

santa klaus: wait what

Luther: That does not mean my brain is a monkey's, that just means that it has primate dna in it. 

santa klaus: are we all gonna gloss over that five apparently doesnt know what boners are

hentai?: yes

lensbian: yes

xoxo, gossip girl: yes

Luther: Yes. 

go diego go: yes

five: hey wait a minute i never exposed u

go diego go: no fuck i almost slipped under the radar

go diego go: luther act stupid 

Luther: My brain is a monkey brain. 

five: lol ok cool glad he finally saw it for what it is

lensbian: screenshotted 1 mil times babey

Luther: No! He said to act stupid.

santa klaus: so luther do u ever feel the urge to just like swing around and throw ur shit at ppl 

Luther: What the hell?

santa klaus: you know, like a monkey

five: do u ever eat bugs 

santa klaus: yes

five: wtf i was asking luther

go diego go: slipped under the radar B)

five: bitch i think the fuck not

five: anyway 

five: @everyone diego makes me go with him to the lego store so that he can look at stuff without seeming childish. 

santa klaus: aka diego has a phat boner for minecraft steve and roblox man bc theyre made of blocks

five: wild assumption but cant argue with that 

Luther: Are you implying Diego has sex with Legos? 

five: wow!!!! truly amazing research there buddy!!!! you know, not like we only literally said it

Luther: What is "phat"?

go diego go: brb guys gotta assassinate both klaus and five

go diego go: such a shame.. they were just sleeping when their necks snapped suddenly

lensbian: ok what did i miss

lensbian: I JUST FELL OFF MY BED 

go diego go: NO VANYA I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

lensbian: HAHAHA

five: DESTROY HIM VANYA 

lensbian: hmm i may save this information for later issues

lensbian: u better watch urself diego :)

go diego go: thank fukking god

_hentai? has disabled five, lensbian, go diego go, Luther, and santa klaus's chat function until 08:00 AM_

hentai?: since yall dont know when to shhh and go to sleep i must take it into my own hands


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crack but with plot! my specialty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is some spanish here so here is a translation just in case google translate fucks it up (it will)  
> se llamo google translate baby: its called google translate baby
> 
> klaus es una perra: klaus is a bitch
> 
> si, ninguna mierda: yeah, no shit
> 
> hehe estamos siendo bisexual: hehe we are being bisexual (this probably isnt the exact translation but i kind of forgot exactly what i wrote here but this is basically all it means)
> 
> verdadero de cualquier manera para mi: true for me either way
> 
> cinco, son bisexuales: five, youre bisexual?
> 
> si le dices a cualquiera de ellos, voy a ser legitimamente furiosos: yes if you tell anyone i will be legitimately furious

_(HHHHhhhh, 11:00 AM)_

five: hey everyone im VERY TIRED

five: and if one of u test me today ur life might b over

five: just letting u kno

five: incase u try me

five: bc i know u definitely will

five: this is just so i have evidence to show to the court once i murder u

Luther: Maybe if you weren't up so late texting us, you would have gotten a full eight hours. 

five: dear lord, its me, five. 

five: i know you hate me but PLEASE for the love of god (no pun intended hehe) MAKE THIS APE MAN SHUT HIS ASS UP

Luther: That's very disrespectful. 

five: yeah no shit i meant for it to be

lensbian: since when is five not constantly trying to be disrespectful all the time forever

santa klaus: the other day i tried to get him to go to griddys with me and he just told me he doesnt speak english

five: se llama google translate, baby

santa klaus: wat

five: klaus es una perra

santa klaus: ok i definitely saw my name there

five: si, ninguna mierda

lensbian: hehe estamos siendo bisexual

lensbian: whoops *bilingual 

five: verdadero de cualquier manera para mi

lensbian: wait WHAT

santa klaus: someone make them stop pls

lensbian: Cinco, son bisexuales?

five: si le dices a cualquiera de ellos, voy a ser legitimamente furiosos

santa klaus: google translate is showing very odd fucked up versions of what u guys are saying what are u using to do that

five: shh

 

_(PM) lensbian -- > five_

_lensbian: just couldnt handle passing up a gay joke huh_

_lensbian: i know the feel_

_lensbian: i wont tell them_

_lensbian: i mean unless they find it out first from the texts_

_five: thank you, vanya_

 

Luther: I don't understand. Please speak English. 

five: yeah ofc u dont understand u have monkey brain

santa klaus: hey!! i domt understand does that make me a monkey brain

five: perhap

lensbian: we undrstand because we are the only people in this fam w/brain cells

santa klaus: yeah u guys share one 

five: better than having none 

hentai?: hola amigos

five: holaaaa

santa klaus: ciao

lensbian: aloha

Luther: Hi. 

five: Luther es un dumbass

Luther: Hey, stop being rude.

Luther: How do I leave this groupchat?

xoxo, gossip girl: u cant youve been permanently bonded to hell

santa klaus: who has admin again

five: :) 

xoxo, gossip girl: :)))

santa klaus: wtf thats unfair give me admin

_The admin five has changed Luther's name to sweet home alabamaaa_

_The admin xoxo, gossip girl has changed santa klaus's name to bitch #4_

bitch #4: ok it kind of snaps i wont lie

sweet home alabamaaa: I don't understand. Why is my name sweet home alabama?

five: ohh i thought that was ur fav song?? oh noo whoopsies

bitch #4: sksks

sweet home alabamaaa: Why are none of our names our actual names?

five: hey can u see with ur eyes

_The admin xoxo, gossip girl has changed five's name to got the horses in the back_

got the horses in the back: BITCH

_The admin got the horses in the back has changed xoxo, gossip girl's name to lutherXallison4ever_

_horses in the back has changed their name to the best_

the best: you wanna play dirty this is what u get

the best: consider this ur warning

lutherXallison4ever: honey u know i can just change it back right?

bitch #4: wait u can??? how

the best: dont tell him

lutherXallison4ever: ok

_lutherXallison4ever has changed their name to xoxo, gossip girl_

xoxo, gossip girl: ahh feels better

the best: :)

lensbian: yall im back nd with good news

_bitch #4 has changed his name to santa klaus_

santa klaus: "i have the mind of a mastermind" - five, forgetting that google exists

the best: :))

lensbian: i dont like this what r u planning lil man

the best: refrain from calling me lil man and i wont include u in it

lensbian: done 

xoxo, gossip girl: i dont trust him what are u up to 

lensbian: ANYWAY

lensbian: i met a cute girl today :)))))

the best: yay!! 

santa klaus: thats the most enthusiasm ive ever seen from five in my entire life

the best: ill scream yay off the rooftops for my gay sister r u joking

lensbian: bet

the best: oh dear vanya u have set off something u cant stop

santa klaus: ALL I HEAR IS HIM STOMPING OUT OF HIS ROOM AND UP THE STAIRS 

lensbian: currently running to get the roof

santa klaus: same

the best: better hurry up or ull miss it

xoxo, gossip girl: who is stompingh around

the best: that would be me

xoxo, gossip girl: ah yes as i predicted

the best: anyway im gonna scream on the rooftop wanna see 

santa klaus: what if we kissed XD on the rooftop :P that my brother was screaming on :333

the best: u ruined it i will never scream again

santa klaus: NO

the best: haha im joking i never pass up a chance to scream

santa klaus: omg we need bennn

santa klaus: @hentai? @hentai? @hentai? @hentai? 

the best: @hentai? 

lensbian: @hentai? 

xoxo, gossip girl: @hentai? 

hentai?: WHAT IM SLEPING

the best: wake up

hentai?: why

the best: to see me scream on the rooftop

hentai?: ok lol cool

the best: alright im gona do it i guess luther's missing out per usual

santa klaus: OH MY GOD

lensbian: OH...OH DEAR

hentai?: nice lol

the best: thankls

the best: my vocal cords hurt

xoxo, gossip girl: ouchie drink some tea that sounded like it hurt

the best: thanks mom

xoxo, gossip girl: ya

the best: unfortunatelty im not a pussy so i cant drink tea

santa klaus: "im not homo i cant drink tea thats a gaydrink" - five right now

the best: :)

lensbian: SKSKKSKSKSKSKKSKSKS

the best: i seee ur beginning to take after klaus's typing style

santa klaus: all stan twitter bby

* * *

 

_HHHHHhhhhh, 8:00 PM_

sweet home alabamaaar: Five, we need to talk.

the best: what

sweet home alabamaaa: I translated your above messages that were in Spanish. Is there something you need to tell us all?

the best: since u already know go ahead tell everyone sisterfucker

sweet home alabamaaa: That's uncalled for. We did not have sex. I am honestly sick and tired of these jokes. I am sure Allison is as well.

the best: i aM hOnEsTly SiCk aNd TiReD oF tHesE jOkes

lensbian: five

the best: what?

lensbian: come on

 

(PM lensbian ---> the best)

lensbian: luther is trying his best 

the best: i dont care 

lensbian: would you rather luther out you or you out yourself? thats the decision you need to make right now

the best: who says it needs to happen now

lensbian: five its going to happen. it sucks that u didnt get to choose when but lets be real u kind of set urself up for this when u put it in spanish using google translate

lensbian: it would be a different story if u were hiding it as much as you could

the best: i guess ur right

 

(groupchat)

the best: ok whatever

the best: im bi 

the best: thanks luther (:

lensbian: five.. 

sweet home alabamaaa: What did I do? You said it yourself. 

santa klaus: hello everyone

santa klaus: holy shit five!!

santa klaus: HOLY SHIT LUTHER

santa klaus: U OUTED FIVE???!!?

sweet home alabamaaa: I did not! He said it himself in the texts he sent with google translate.

santa klaus: ugh whtever

santa klaus: yay five!!! im proud of u

the best: thx

santa klaus: uve officially joined The Gay Squad tm

santa klaus: now consisting of: vanya, me, five, and ben

hentai?: ok sorry just saw this but

hentai?: YAY FIVE WELCOME TO GAY SQUAD

sweet home alabamaaa: Guys, I think it is pretty rude of you all to have a groupchat without all of us. What if we need to know something?

hentai?:" i am confused when not about me? " - luther 

the best: be Gay then if u want in so bad

santa klaus: u need official certification that uve had a dick up ur ass to be in this group 

the best: uM

lensbian: ahem

santa klaus: excluding five bc hes a minor and vanya bc shes a lesbian obv :) <3 

the best: idk whether to glad u didnt include me in that rule or mad that u called me a minor 

sweet home alabamaaa: So you're saying Ben isn't a part of your group? 

the best: i think he just did the opposite of slut-shaming to ben

santa klaus: oh luther..u innocent fool 

hentai?: dude im like 24 do u rlly think i havent fucked yet

sweet home alabamaaa: I don't know, you just seemed too pure for that. 

hentai?: my name is literally hentai on here

sweet home alabamaaa: What's hentai? 

santa klaus: oh no 

hentai?: oh no

lensbian: oh no

the best: j-just google it 

sweet home alabamaaa: What the fuck?

sweet home alabamaaa: Oh my god, what the hell is this?

hentai?: buddy... 

santa klaus: seeing hentai unwillingly is the first step to being a cool kid

the best: most of us reach that point at age 10-14 on tumblr but u discovered it due to ur brothers tentacle monster living in his stomach so congrats

hentai?: ur welcome

lensbian: have u ever been on the internet ever luther

lensbian: what social media websites are u on and ACTIVE 

sweet home alabamaaa: Facebook. 

santa klaus: oh god

the best: i cant even look at you right now are you joking? facebook? u dont even have any friends why do you have facebook? for the minion memes?

sweet home alabamaaa: I actually have over 50 friends on Facebook. Minion memes are funny, but they are not the only reason I have Facebook. 

the best: ohhhhh my god who tell me one of ur friends names and how u met them 

lensbian: yikes

hentai?: guys..i have facebook too

santa klaus: NO 

santa klaus: NO BEN DONT DO THIS

the best: ew a local

hentai?: I LIKE THE GROUPS ON THERE

hentai?: I TALK TO MY ONLINE FRIENDS THRU MESSENGER 

hentai?: I POST PICS OF US TOGETHER

hentai?: I AM UNASHAMED

sweet home alabamaaa: Thank you, Ben. What is your username? I will add you.

hentai?: Ben Hargreeves lol 

sweet home alabamaaa: I searched Ben Hargreeves lol and got no results.

hentai?: oh my god its just Ben Hargreeves

sweet home alabamaaa: Okay. 

the best: sorry guys im allergic can u take ur nasty facebook conversation elsewhere

santa klaus: wow....my own brother...the betrayal. 

lensbian: even im disappointed ben 

hentai?: well... i am who i am

* * *

 

_(HHHhhhhhh, 03:00 AM)_

_the best has kicked xoxo, gossip girl from being admin._

_the best has changed xoxo, gossip girl's name to lutherxallison4lyfe_

_the best has changed sweet home alabamaaa's name to lil bitch_

_the best has changed godiegogo's name to a bitch but okay_

_the best has locked username changing until 11:59 PM_

the best: y'all underestimated me 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. d'awww

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they talk crushes and cats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres gonna be an oc in this but dont worry they wont rlly be in the gc haha
> 
> just in case u forgot,  
> lutherxallison4lyfe: allison  
> lil bitch: luther  
> bitch but okay: diego  
> santa klaus: klaus  
> the best: five  
> lensbian: vanya  
> hentai?: ben

_(HHHHhhhhhh, 09:00 AM)_

lutherxallison4lyfe: I fucking hate u five 

lil bitch: This is immature, Five.

the best: what about this screams immaturity to u 

the best: monkey brain

santa klaus: god,,,fucking,,,,rip him apart five

hentai?: the power.....

the best: thx gay squad 

lensbian: get him five ly bbboy

lil bitch: Well, for starters, you brought up yet again a relationship that I haven't been in for about 3 years. 

lil bitch: Second of all, you named me 'lil bitch'. I thought we were family. 

lil bitch: Third of all, have you forgotten we are twins? If I'm a 'monkey brain' that means you are too. 

the best: fucjk...i forgot about that

the best: i hate everything 

the best: take me out of this hell where i am twins with luther

santa klaus: sorry bb boy :(

hentai?: man that sucks to be related to a hettie 

lil bitch: Man, it sucks to be related to a murderous assassin with a lack of a moral compass. 

the best: mcscuse me? i am A GAY murderous assassin with a lack of a moral compass. get it right dipshit

santa klaus: i beg to differ about the moral compass thing remember when u adopted a stray cat without any of us knowing for like 3 years

the best: MCSCUSE ME DONT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT EDDIE I LOVED THAT BOY W ALL MY HEART

lutherxallison4lyfe: really? u named ur cat eddie?

the best: yeah what about it

lutherxallison4lyfe: its just v v v out of character

the best: ok dont care but ok

the best: i miss eddie

the best: lets get a cat

santa klaus: ok im down

hentai?: lets name it goose!!!

the best: after captain marvel's cat?

santa klaus: after captain marvel's cat?

lutherxallison4lyfe: after captain marvel's cat?

lil bitch: After Captain Marvel's cat? 

hentai?: ye

the best: YA LETS GO 

lensbian: ok im down plus i like to flirt w the pet store worker girl :)))

the best: ily

the best: i will be ur wingman 

lensbian: lol ok 

bitch but okay: ex-fucking scuse me did u all conveniently forget im allergic to cats

bitch but okay: also fuck u five 

the best: okay?? and,,,

lensbian: ... 

hentai?: can we atleast go play with kitties

bitch but ok: whtevr

the best: might have to erase the 'but ok' from ur username huh bud

bitch but ok: die 

lil bitch: Die. 

the best: my word!!!! thats Very Disrespectful To Your Elders and I thought I Was Your Twin?

santa klaus: do u ever not drink water for a while and ur foot does the thing

lutherxallison4lyfe: what...thing

santa klaus: it gives u the crampy cramps 

santa klaus: in ur foot arch

santa klaus: whenever u move it weird

the best: everyday 

lutherxallison: there is a reason i banned u from coffee

the best: u think that stopped me?? haha u simple fool

the best: coffee is my blood

lutherxallison4lyfe: bitch 

lensbian: We Are Going to the pet store so i can flirt with the employee and thats Final! 

lensbian: whos going w me 

lensbian: preferably five 

the best: aw its almost like u love me

lensbian: anytime lil bruh

the best: ew nvm

lensbian: wait IM SORRY 

lensbian: PLEASE

the best: ... 

lensbian: i will send u a photo of me frowning

the best: fine ill go

the best: big sis

lensbian: ew stop it sounds hettie

santa klaus: #disease

lil bitch: What is so bad about heteronormative people such as myself, Allison, and Diego? 

the best: they are honorary gays 

lutherxallison4lyfe: thx lol 

bitch but ok: can u change my name to honorary gay 

the best: cant until 11:59 PM 

the best: :)

bitch but ok: i hate  u

the best: ily2!

* * *

 lensbian: GUESS WHO I MET 

the best: :) 

the best: ^ genuine smile 

bitch but ok: who 

santa klaus: who has my sister romanced with her wiles 

lutherxallison4lyfe: Yay!!!!!! im proud!!!

lil bitch: Wear protection.

lensbian: ok- im sorry i have to pause for just a moment guys and girls and gays

lensbian: what??

lil bitch: I was just making sure. 

lensbian: understandable. just bc someone has a dick doesnt make them a he 

the best: that one time when luther was almost woke he just needed a little push from vanya

the best: anway spill 

lensbian: she is super cute!! she has black straight hair and deep brown eyes !!!!! <3 shes also a cop so automatically <3 <3 <3

lensbian: she called me darling!

lensbian: she GAVE me HER phone number, i didnt ask for it 

lensbian: and.... her name is.....

lensbian: eudora <3 <3 <3

santa klaus: omg 

the best: whats her last name 

lensbian: uh idk i think its pitch or something like that

lensbian: it was on her nametag i didnt rlly get a good look

santa klaus: uh...oh

lensbian: what?

lutherxallison4lyfe: um...

lil bitch: Isn't that Diego's ex-girlfriend?

lensbian: oh shit 

bitch but ok: vanya 

bitch but ok: while i acknowledge that its kinda wierd that ur gonna be dating my ex, 

bitch but ok: i give u the go ahead

lensbian: are u sure? its ok if u dont want me to date her 

bitch but ok: yes im sure! plus i have my eyes on someone else nyway...

santa klaus: WHO 

the best: hh

lil bitch: Who is it?

lensbian: spill the tea! 

the best: never say that again

lensbian: wig XD snatched

the best: yuck

bitch but ok: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bitch but ok: a guy at the police station...

the best: YES 

santa klaus: gays: 5 str8s: 2 

lensbian: WE R TAKING OVER!!!!

hentai?: im so proud of u! 

lil bitch: Awesome! 

lensbian: OHHH ME N EUDORA WILL HELP U GET HIM DONT WORRY 

lensbian: wat his name ??

bitch but ok: uhahaha... i d o n t k n o w 

santa klaus: classic gay move

hentai?: dont worry we got u what does he look like

bitch but ok: cute :) 

the best: thats...really adorable but we need more info 

bitch but ok: he has blonde curly hair...

hentai?: ugh dont make me havwe a crush on him too 

lensbian: im not even attracted to men but just the words blonde curly hair...the power

bitch but ok: he has green eyes..

santa klaus: oh MY GOD

hentai?: any gay's daydream..

the best: dont worry we will do exstensive research and (interrogation if needed) to make sure he doesnt break ur heart

bitch but ok: and hes funny:) i believe he works w eudora sometimes so idk if that helps?

lensbian: i already have an entire plan worked out dont worry babe i got u 

bitch but ok: consider this;tell me the plan b4 u do it 

lensbian: rite lol 

lensbian: we find out his number first of all 

santa klaus: sounds not stalkerish at all 

lensbian: u text him acting like its a wrong # but then u guys fall in love uwu

bitch but ok: r u writing a fanfiction that doesnt sound like it would ever remotely work 

lensbian: dont backtalk ur senior gay like that

lensbian: if hes gay it will work 

santa klaus: shes right 

hentai?: yep 

bitch but ok: well if u guys all say it will work i guess ill give it a try

lensbian: good 

the best: wait so no offense meant but what sexuality r u? just wondering

bitch but ok: idk..all i know is both women AND men  r pretty

the best: so bi? omg the bi brothers

bitch but ok: omg he called me his brother

the best: nvm i take it back 

bitch but ok: ouch

lensbian: currently talking w eudora rn about the plan >:)

lensbian: ok she says its techinically illegal but she'll do it for diego

hentai?: thats cute

bitch but ok: okay not gonna lie im excited!

bitch but ok: i gotta go punch smthn 

the best: wow...his thought process is truly astounding

santa klaus: thats our brother :')

lensbian: uH OH WE KISSEd

the best: WHAT

santa klaus: WHAT

hentai?: WHAT

bitch but okay: WHAT

lensbian: I DONT KNOW


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> diego asks out the man of his dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this its so short and is basically just diego talking to his crush sorry yall better chapter coming out soon

_HHHHHhhhhhh, 9 AM_

_bitch but okay has changed their name to go diego go_

_go diego go has changed lutherXallison4lyfe's name to ms gossip_

_go diego go has changed the best's name to the actual worst_

the actual worst: BITCH I THOUGHT WE WERE BI BROTHERS U BETRAYED ME

go diego go: hm :)

lil bitch: You didn't change mine?

go diego go: what about it?

the actual worst: get him 

lil bitch: You are truly the worst, Five.

the actual worst: to you maybe to others not so much

santa klaus: i knew my brother loved me :)))) 

go diego go: :-)*

santa klaus: i refuse 

_the actual worst changed their name to the best, fuck you luther_

the best, fuck you luther: kinda long but i like it

santa klaus: WELL i personally LOVE IT

lil bitch: Amazing that such big curse words can come out of such a little person. 

santa klaus: oh shit he dead

go diego go: uh oh spaghettios

ms gossip: why is five stompin agaib is he screaming 

go diego go: no hes going to kill luther

ms gossip: im down with it

lil bitch: That was really rude and disrespectful, Five. Apologize. 

the best, fuck you luther: Die

lensbian: whatd i miss 

hentai?: I JUST WENT INTO LUTHERS ROOM AND HE HAS LITERAL FUCKING PEPSI COVERING HIM HEAD TO TOE I THINK FIVE JUST GOT THE SODA OUT FROM THE FRIDGE AND SPILLED IT OVER HIS HEAD

the best, fuck you luther: correction, i had to use TWO FUCKING BIG BOTTLES OF PEPSI TO COVER HIM BECAUSE HES A GIANT APE

santa klaus: SKSKSKSKSKS

lensbian: ewwww hes probs all sticky

hentai?: HE IS I JUST TOUCHED HIM AND I NEED TO GO WASH MY HANDS NOW 

ms gossip: OMG  

the best, fuck you luther: :) 

lil bitch: You're gonna regret this. I'm Number One for a reason. 

the best, fuck you luther: cuz ur the number #1 pain in my ass? 

lil bitch: You wish. 

hentai?: and i oop-

santa klaus: What the fuck? What thwe fucl? Whatt hef uck???!!!!!!!!

lensbian: ew is that alluding to what i think it is?

the best, fuck you luther: i told yall luther has an alabama complex

ms gossip: hes also apparently pedo? 

lil bitch: That's not what I meant and you know it. 

hentai?:  its funny how u said i cant fuck bc im too pure but u literally just implied five wants to fuck you

lil bitch: I swear, that's not what I meant at all. 

the best, fuck you Luther: just cuz my name says fuck you luther doesnt mean it literally

santa klaus: SKSK

* * *

_santa klaus made a groupchat!_

_santa klaus named it "get diego boned comittee"_

_santa klaus added hentai?, lensbian, ms gossip, go diego go, the best, fuck you luther_

santa klaus: henlo

go diego go: thats not how u spell commitee

lensbian: thats wrong too

the best, fuck you Luther: its committee.

santa klaus: sorry didnt realize we were all spelling bee champs all of a sudden

santa klaus: ANYWAY yall wanna set up a date for diego uwu

go diego go: how would we even do that?

santa klaus: idk we will figure it out

lensbian: WAIT do the textibg thing!!! here i have his number

lensbian: (xxx)xxx-xxxx

the best, fuck you Luther: wait did we all convienantly forget vanya KISSED eudora???

lensbian: owo

santa klaus: O YEAH

hentai?: .w.

 

* * *

 

_go diego go has added a new number!_

go diego go: hey wyd?

(xxx)xxx-xxxx: ? who is this

go diego go is typing...

* * *

( _get diego boned comittee)_

go diego go: GUYS WHAT DO I DO 

go diego go: SHOULD I SAY MY REAL NAME

lensbian: yeah obvs

* * *

_private chat (go diego go, (xxx)xxx-xxxx)_

go diego go: diego lol 

(xxx)xxx-xxxx: i think u got the wrong number dude :( sorry

go diego go: eh its ok 

go diego go: who r u anyway?

(xxx)xxx-xxxx: how do i know ur not like a creepy stalker or 60 yr old man

go diego go: well for starters im not so ill go first i guess

go diego go: im 24, names diego as u know

_(xxx)xxx-xxxx has changed their name to "el brucie"_

el brucie: hi im bruce im 22 turnign 23 soon im also a cop so be warned if ur a creepster

go diego go: i was an ex cop once 

go diego go: i punched someone and got fired :(

el brucie: yeAH that typically happens if it was unwarrented

* * *

_get diego boned comittee_

go diego go: HIS NAME IS BRUCE HES 22 AND A COP

lensbian: aw my brothers getting a bf!!!

santa klaus: my heart is full

* * *

_private chat (go diego go, el brucie)_

go diego go: so, el brucie, how was ur day :)

el brucie: boring

el brucie: im single so all i do is work and watch tv all day

go diego go: any chance ur into guys? just a q 

el brucie: exclusively owo

el brucie: i just realized u probably dont know what owo means i feel like a dumbass

go diego go: no i know unfortunately 

go diego go: but same i like guys too and girls 

el brucie: bi legend

* * *

_get diego boned comittee_

go diego go: HES GAY

* * *

_private chat (go diego go, el brucie)_

go diego go: ok im gona be real honest

go diego go: ive seen u in real life b4, this wasnt a wrong number text on accident and i have a huge crush on u.

go diego go: eudora gave me ur number and my sister told me to pretend that i got the wrong number and talk to you but i feel weird doing it so

go diego go: dont hate me?

el brucie is typing.....

* * *

 

  _get diego boned comittee_

go diego go: I TOLD HIM 

lensbian: WHY 

* * *

_private chat, (go diego go, el brucie)_

el brucie: wait r u the spanish guy with the badass scar thats always in custody 

go diego go: i hate thatt is how u know me but yes

go diego go: if u recall i bought u a snickers last week from the vending machine

el brucie: oh yeahh!!!

el brucie: lowkey thought u were cute too but u seemed like the " IM STR8 NO MATTTER WHAT" type so i said nothing

el brucie: i shoudl also mention.

el brucie: im a bottom :) 

* * *

_get diego boned comittee_

go diego go: (screenshot of above) 

go diego go: DUDES

lensbian: HOLU SHIT

santa klaus: damn should we add him to the get diego boned commitee hes doing all the work

the best, fuck you Luther: wow hes very forward

* * *

_private chat (go diego go, el brucie)_

el brucie: shit im sorry if that frreaked u out i shouldnt have said anything

go diego go: nah its cool im actuallyt a top so i guess itll work out well :)

el brucie: ok but we have to go to dinner atleast once

go diego go: of course! ill pay

go diego go: what time? ;)

el brucie: 6 pm saturday ?

go diego go: sounds good!


	5. ruh roh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eudora goes on a date with vanya; diego goes on a date with bruce. Guess where they both end up?

_private msg (lensbian -- > doratheeudora)_

lensbian: hey wanna go on a date w/ me? :)

doratheeudora: make that :) a :-) and ill consider it 

lensbian:  **:-)**

doratheeudora: 6 pm sat at june's? ;-)

lensbian: ;-) ofc 

* * *

_HHHHHhhhhhh (groupchat)_

lensbian: igota date yall 

lensbian: hell yeahh

the best: nice

go diego go: me2

santa klaus: YEAY get boned my beautiful siblings!!!!!!!!!!!

the best: i agree wholeheartedly!!

ms gossip: ^

hentai?: ^

lil bitch: How do you do that? What does it mean? 

the best: oh my gOD you test me everyday could you get anymore stupid

ms gossip: damn is someone on their period. 

the best: Die

lensbian: no hes actually just upset that the neighborhood cat hissed at him 

the best: Now I Feel Worse

hentai?: its ok youll get through this brother

the best: ive been judged by the cat gods and they say im Evil and Unredeemable 

lensbian: we were walking to the store and as soon as that happened he just turned around and walked home 

the best: ik bad energy when i see it

lil bitch: Which cat is that? 

santa klaus: the calico baby with green eyes

lil bitch: I haven't seen her yet. Hopefully I do!

ms gossip: im pretty sure the cat would vomit on sight

the best: i swear ot fucking god 

the best: if that cat doesnt fuck ur shit up for just existing within seconds of seeing you im truly Evil and Unredeemable 

lil bitch: Or maybe he'll like me because I'm not a mean little assassin kid. 

the best: ur really embracing your username today huh

* * *

_4:30 PM HHHHHhhhhhh_

hentai?: i think five is going to literally die}

hentai?: the cat saw luther and purred and LICKED him

the best: ...

the best: This Is The Worst Day Ever

the best: even worse then when i got teleported to the apocalypse for 38 years 

santa klaus: damn.. if luther's the best then what am i? 

lensbian: BITCH THAT CAT HAS NEVER EVEN LICKED ME 

lensbian: THAT CAT LOVES ME

ms gossip: we must see 

ms gossip: @hentai? u r the purest of souls does the cat like you and has it licked u while purring 

hentai?: ... no 

the best: phew..it might just be a false alarm 

ms gossip: maybe it just has kitty brain and thought luther was ben

santa klaus: i dont even think luther has mistaken himself for ben and thats saying something

lensbian: KSKSKSKSKS

lensbian: OH SHIT my date in an hour time to get beat

the best: ?????????????

lensbian: makeup

the best: o

the best: can i watch

lensbian: sure but dont make me laugh while doing anything involving my eye

the best: ok i cant gurantee anything but ok

santa klaus: gurantee

the best: shut up 'comittee' 

go diego go: for a second i thought that said commie and i was like oh shit five went from 0 to 100

go diego go: OH SHIT MY DATE IN AN HOUR TOO GOTTA GET BEAT

the best: ????????

go diego go: self confidence

ms gossip: can i give u eyeliner

go diego go: NO this is my first time meeting him romantically 

ms gossip: :(

the best: u can give me eyeliner

ms gossip: even BETTER

go diego go: what hey

ms gossip: Oh SHIT im gonna beat five's face and make him look like a bronzed god

the best: i mean... chil a bit

ms gossip: U CANT STOP ME 

santa klaus: GUYSSSSS IWANT IN!!!! IM VERY GOOD AT MAKEUP AS U KNOW

the best: can i do one of your makeup? 

ms gossip: YEAH

santa klaus: OOOOOO MAKEUP PARTY

hentai?: GUYS

hentai?: i want to look like a bronzed god

ms gossip: HHHH THE POWER

santa klaus: GAY rights gay Rights Gay rights GAY RIGHTS gay rights gAY rIGHTS 

go diego go: OH SHIT ITS JUNE PRIDE MONTH 

santa klaus: [dancing crab party gif] 

the best: FUCK fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK 

the best: IM SO- GOD THE POWER

lensbian: THE GAY GODS AND GODDESSES HAVE TRULY BLESSED US DIEGO WE HAVE PARTNERS FOR PRIDE MONTH

go diego go: FUCK YEAH

hentai?: FUCK BRB GOTTA GO GET RAWED IN SPIRIT OF GAY PRIDE MONTH

lensbian: AND I OOP-

the best: i mean- SURE WHY NOT 

hentai?: diego hook me up with a police bear

go diego go: they dont employ bears

the best: WHY not?

santa klaus: pros of hiring bears: reliable, strong, good big boys. cons of hiring bears: none 

hentai?: diego do u know what bear means

hentai?: in terms of gay

go diego go: ??? a gay bear

hentai: google it

go diego go: OH

go diego go: how could i have been so ignorant

lensbian: im currently doing fives makeup wanna see

go diego go: YEAH

lensbian:  (this but like...fives eye)

go diego go: AHHHHHH THE BI BROTHERS STRIKE AGAIN 

the best: YA

* * *

 

_10:00 HHHHHHHHhhhh_

go diego go: ok not to be rude vanya

go diego go: but COULD U HAVE PICKED A WORSE TIME AND PLACE FOR THAT

lensbian: IM SORRY

the best: what happened now 

go diego go: WE WERE AT THE SAME RESTERAUNT SAME TIME SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER 

santa klaus: ohhh my sweet god

go diego go: WE WERE JUST LOOKING AT EACHOTHER AND VANYA THINKS OH NOWS A SWELL TIME TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES TO BRUCE

lensbian: MY GAY BRAIN ACTIVATED IN MY TIME OF PANIC

go diego go: SHES GOES "HI IM DIEGOS SISTER VANYA AND THIS IS EUDORA.........DIEGOS EX AND MY DATE TONIGHT" 

go diego go: I KNEW WHEN U WENT INTO THAT LONG PAUSE U WERE GONNA SPEW SOME BULLSHIT

go diego go: BRUCE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS FUCKING INSANE

the best: hhhhhhh oly shit 

hentai?: wowowowooww

lil bitch: Sounds rough.

go diego go: YEAH no SHIT 

lensbian: IM S O RR Y 

lensbian: AHHH

ms gossip: omg lol 

hentai?: im screaming 

the best: ur literally quiet in your room

go diego go: IM SO- UGH

go diego go: VANYA SQUARE UP 

lensbian: IF IT MAKES U FEEL BETTER EUDORA LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS INSANE TOO 

go diego go: ok that makes me feel marginally better

go diego go: anway im going to sleep GOODNIGHT

lensbian: :(

the best: sleepings for loZers

santa klaus: thats why u have a caffeine addiction young man go to sleep

the best: no

santa klaus: do it

the best: no 

ms gossip: DO it

the best: i- okay


	6. motherfucking mcdonalds looking headass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya gets lucky wink wink nudge nudge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for it being so late i was at camp

_HHHHHhhhhhhh, 3:00 AM_

lensbian: Hi

lensbian: oh god im so happ! 

the best: ? i mean ok

lensbian: there s o much going on!

lensbian: I ll,ove you guys sso much!,!

santa klaus: r u ok vanya

lensbian: YES!

the best: brb calling her

lensbian: Ok!

the best: she just picked up and screamed incoherently into the phone for 3 minutes. I heard music in the back so im guessing shes out clubbing

santa klaus: ok go off

santa klaus: but ucould have invited me tbh

the best: and me

lensbian: NO! ur tiny ajd you can,t drinmk alclholol 

lensbian: sorry claws

santa klaus: claws????.... is that supoosed to be me??

lensbian: well thats ur name isn,t it,?

the best: bitch im like 50

lensbian: nO ur eensy

the best: what the fuck

santa klaus: baby girl do i need to come pick you up

the best: as if u know how to drive

santa klaus: hey maybe shut ur trap

the best: :/

lensbian: NO m with a pretyty grill 

lensbian: we gone fuck!!! im slo happ,y!

the best: o-oh

santa klaus: i mean ok go off lil miss

lensbian: ;oooo

hentai?: WHAT the FUCK IS GOING ON AT 3 AM IN THE MORNING

hentai?: nvm i read

lensbian: HEY BEN!!!!

lensbian: benji

lensbian: ben 10

lensbian: bentacles

lensbian: benjammin' 

hentai?: hey vanya!!!

lensbian: b,en!!!!

lensbian: ok im bye! 

the best: waiT VANYA!

santa klaus: VANYA

hentai?: VANYA

godiegogo: omfg

 

_godiegogo >>>> eudddora (pm)  
_

godiegogo: hey ik we didnt get off on good terms last time but

godiegogo: is vanya ok? like do u know where she is

eudddora: lmfao yes she is here with me

eudddora: shes a lightweight 

eudddora: shes sleeping peacefully on my bed after get lit tonight

godiegogo: thank the lords 

godiegogo: (screencap of Vanya's texts from tonight)

eudddora: omg am i the pretty girl

eudddora: well she predicted right 

godiegogo: wait WHAT

eudddora: yeah :)

godiegogo: WELL ok 

 

_HHHHHhhhhhh, 3:30 AM_

godiegogo: (screenshot of texts) 

the best: phew

santa klaus: YA MY GIRL DONE GOT LAID

hentai?: WOOOO POUR ONE OUT FOR GAY RIGHTS

the best: pours out millions

godiegogo: hhhhh yes my sister has gotten herself sexed.

godiegogo: only vanyar...

godiegogo: not me too ....

the best: .....

santa klaus: ......

hentai?: .......

lil bitch: .......

gossip gorl: ......

godiegogo: and defintely not for the fir,st time w a guy..,,.,.,.,

santa klaus: omg diego got rawed

godiegogo: I DIDNT GET RAWED

the best: ya lol yall dont remember? bruce got rawed its the other way around bc hes a bottom

hentai?: WHO TAUGHT U WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN

the best: uh

santa klaus: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

santa klaus: DIEGO FUCKED]'

godiegogo: ughhhhh

godiegogo: i regret telling yoy guys 

lil bitch: You guys had one date. One.

godiegogo: wb it 

godiegogo: u went and had sex with a furry 

the best: drag him

godiegogo: atleast we talked for a while and knew eachothers name

gossip gorl: nice job diego im proud

godiegogo: hahaa.....also he wants to meet you guys 

the best: uh oh

santa klaus: lol good luck wit that 

_lil bitch added Bruce4406 to the chat!_

lil bitch: There we go! 

godiegogo: SPDLSPRJEFGURWFHOFRHGRIOHFEWOSIGFODHFOEIFHE

_Bruce4406 changed his name to bruce :)!_

bruce :): what is this 

bruce :): diegos having a heart attack lol 

the best: hey im five diego's bi brother. 

bruce :): youre five years old?!?!

the best: *stares into the camera like im on the office* 

santa klaus: KSKSKSKSMDNSFKLHEIOFE

the best: NO im 16. my NAME IS FIVE

bruce :): ...really? 

the best: YES REALLY. 

santa klaus: hey am klaus and the party dont start tilll i walk in 

bruce :): nice

hentai?: h,hey...

bruce :): hey hentai

bruce :): should i ask

hentai?: no. 

hentai?: in other news i am ben hargreeves and im tired.

lil bitch: Hello! I am Luther, Diego's brother. It's really nice to meet you! 

the best: uhgh god luther why are u like this 

bruce :): uhh nice 2 meet you too ig

gossip gorl: hey!!! im allison. 

bruce :): o shit ur the movie star right

gossip gorl: yep!

bruce :): ur a really good actress

lensbian: GUYS i am SO FUCKIGN HUNGOVER

the best: thansk for sharing vanya anyway vanya meet bruce, bruce meet vanya

lensbian: omg sorry 

bruce :): nah its cool 

bruce :): anway...uh its really nice to meet you guys but diego looks like hes about to spontaneously combust in embarrassment so i should leave

bruce :): see yall l8r

_bruce :) has left the chat_

godiegogo: YOU MOTHERFUCKERS]

lil bitch: What? I thought that went well. 

godiegogo: IM GONNA FUCKGGIOIEFIOEFIER KILL YOU 

 

_pm ( fivehargreeves -- > Bruce4406) _

_fivehargreeves: hey can u get ur man to calm down_

_Bruce4406: look im tryin_

_fivehargreeves: jsskdj sorry just trying to prevent him from murdering someone_

_Bruce4406: yeah hes MAD mad_

_fivehargreeves: thx also tell him i said hi but like respectfully_

_Bruce4406: u got it_

 

lensbian: what the fucjk is goitjgr on,

gossip gorl: in short, diego and bruce fucked and then diego told us bruce wanted to meet us and luther added him to the chat 

lensbian: oh my fuckinmg god

lil bitch: I do not see what's so bad about this!

the best: u bitch we literally talked about diego rawing him 3 texts above that

lil bitch: Shit. 

hentai?: yknow...im pretty nice usually luther

the best: hoho

santa klaus: now is not the time to become santa claus five thats my job

hentai?: but if you dont APOLOGIZE i will beat you THE HECK up 

hentai?: im not a hargeeves for NOTHING

the best:.....

santa klaus: hargeeves

the best: u heard the man he will beat youthe heck up

hentai?: do you guys want to be next on my list

the best: pls no im just a small child 

santa klaus: im gay so that would be homophobic. 

lil bitch: I promise I will apologize, do not worry, there is no need for beating me 'the heck' up.

hentai?: youve doubled your pain by 3x

the best: rlly? hes DOUBLED his pain by THREE times? 

hentai?: you know five............

hentai?: blocked

the best: hey that hurts unblocl me

hentai?: i keep getting notifications but no messages :(!

the best: :((((

the best: do u want ur brother to cry

santa klaus: ive never seen u cry

the best: tf yes u have

the best: i cried watching it remember

gossip gorl: watching what

the best: it 

hentai?: ????what is it???

santa klaus: i am also confused

the best: IT, the fuckinggggg clown w balloons 

lensbian: wait you cried watching a horror movie? tf is everything ok at home 

the best: u live with me you know everything isnt ok at home

santa klaus: OH SHTI I REMEMBER THAT

santa klaus: U CRIED WHEN THE JEWISH KID GOT HIS FACE BITTEN

the best: FIRST OF ALL HIS NAME IS STANLEY URIS and SECOND OF ALL I DIDNT CRY DURING BUT after when he was like "...U LeFT me!"

the best: look if you were an IT stan u would understand

santa klaus: lol cant believe my little brother is pennywise stan

the best: THE FUCKJ? thst motherfucker can catch these time traveling hands and choke on luther's' incredibly small eggplant please and thank you! I would NEVER-

gossip gorl: damn u really hate him huh 

hentai?: why is he still typing 

lensbian: dear god what have we done

santa klaus: he got so mad he didn't realize i called him little brother

lil bitch: I don't own an eggplant? 

godiegogo: i got so angry i had a nosebleed giuys

godiegogo: FUCKIGN LUTHER

lil bitch: Uh oh. 

the best: OK FIRST OF ALL, THAT LITTLE FUCKER SCREWED UP MY MANS STANLEY'S LIFE HORRIBLY AND MADE HIM KILLL HIMSELF BC HE WAS SO SCARED OF IT !! AND ANOTHER THING PENNYSHIT SHAPESHIFTED INTO BEVERLY'S ABUSER AND RAPISTZ????? HOW COULD I STAN THAT??????? HE FUCKING KILLED GEORGIE! GEORGIE GUYS, GEORGIE. HE FUCKED UP MIKE, WITH THE FIRE AND BIG ASS BIRD! FUCKED UP RICHIE WITH THE DUMB ASS SHIT HEEL MISSING PAPERS! FUCKED UP EDDIE WITH THE LEPER!!!! FUCKED UP BEN WITH THE HEADLESS BOY AND THE EXPLOSION THING!!!!! GOD- I HATE ! I HATE! THAT BIG FOREHEAD MCDONALDS ASS MOTHERFUCKER. HE ISJUST A MOTHERFUCKER. 

godiegogo: IM GOING TO KILL YOU LUTHER

godiegogo: Uh oh my nose is goimg again

lensbian: oh my god five calm down

santa klaus: h

hentai?: its alright...deep breaths five

the best: the FUCK . 

the best: im out of breath

lensbian: you were typing????

the best: i was saying it out loud as i typed it

hentai?: can confirm i am in the same room as him and ive never seen such an anger

lensbian: u good five?

the best: No.

lil bitch: What is Pennywise? Why did he kill Georgie? Who is Georgie?

the best: idk luther...man id,'k 

hentai?: he's crying now  

* * *

   _HHHHHHHhhhhhhhh, 5 PM_

santa klaus: so on the list of things five has an unhealthy obsession over we can add IT,

santa klaus: also the stanley guy, idk five seemed very distraught

the best: first of all stfu

the best: second of all, who taught u what distraught means

hentai?: aw does my brother have a gay crush on a fictional character

the best: SHUT UP

the best: I do NOT

the best: hes more of a son

lensbian: he does, hes blushing rn 

lensbian: (photo of five looking at his phone blushing) 

santa klaus: awwwwwww

lensbian: i mean me 2 if i was a child i would probably have a crush on the red head girl 

the best: her name is beverly marsh

the best: AND i DO NOT have a crush on him. 

the best: u guys r the worst

santa klaus: i had a crush on dean from supernatural for like 3 years when i was 15

hentai?: wtf i had a crush on sam 

gossip gorl: i liked chris hemsworth :) still do even tho i met him once

lensbian: i was obsessed with kim possible for like 2 years str8 when i was a kid, my gaywakening

lil bitch: I do remember liking Sandra Dee from Grease. 

godiegogo: whats up fuckers im awake 

godiegogo: luther u r on my hitlist for when im less groggy

godiegogo: o i really liked kim possible too

lil bitch: I'm really sorry, Diego. I didn't mean to cause you such distress.

the best: uhhugh

godiegogo: some crimes cant be forgiven *gun emoji* 

the best: hm cant say i really disagree with diego

santa klaus: same

lensbian: diego you said you had a nosebleed? r u ok now?

godiegogo: yes im fine thanks for asking

godiegogo: bruce freaked out as well 

hentai?: shit is everything ok 

godiegogo: yes lol its fine he laughed

the best: even about the rawing thing

godiegogo: hm about that.... :) 

godiegogo: HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW UNTIL YOU FUCKERS BROUGHT IT UP WHEN HE WAS READING OVER MY SHOULDER

gossip gurl: i-

the best: careful there ur nose might start gushing again

godiegogo: ok five im done 

godiegogo: IT (2016?2017?) WASNT THAT GOOD OF A HORROR MOVIE

the best: lol yeah

the best: not that scary

the best: i like the actors though

godiegogo: wait u agree? 

the best: yeah. miniseries was better. book is god tier tho

lensbian: ive never seen five have such a calm opinion

the best: i think im just angered out from my rant earlier

santa klaus: wow... five without anger is like

santa klaus: a sandwhich without bread

the best: shut the fuck up 

hentai?: lol he still has anger


	7. sco pa tu manaa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rat tails, sco pa tu manaa, and dolores ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok.... this is gonna be hard to describe but lets just say dolores is a real girl who was with five in the apocalypse like she wasnt a mannequin bc i really just want five to have a best friend without making another oc for the story

_HHHHHHHhhhhhhh, 5:00 PM_

the best: you would not believe the fuckery that happened today

lil bitch: Spill the tea. 

the best: okay what the mother fuck

gossip gorl: who taught him that wtf wtf 

hentai?: uh oh

santa klaus: hey bitches 

santa klaus: i did

the best: wtf why 

santa klaus: idk i was bored

lensbian: WHY HAVE U DONE THIS TO US

santa klaus: ;3

lil bitch: And I oop-

the best: STOP PLEASE LUTHER STOP

lil bitch: Wig flew. 

gossip gorl: im bout to cry folks this is the worst things thats ever happened

godiegogo: WTF

godiegogo: DSTOP APE MAN

lil bitch: Okay, Klaus told me to say this: 

lil bitch: Country girls make do, bottom text

the best: im this close to crying 

santa klaus: i thought u only cried for fictional characters huh

the best: ya because everyone i actually know is a total greaseball lit on fire

lensbian: disgustingly creative insult

gossip gorl: FIVE!!!!! IGNORE LUTHER TELL US THE FUCKERY

the best: so i was at the library;

the best: i pick some books out and im like ok ill just go check them out 

the best: AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER comes at me and asks if I'd prefer a YA book, and he HAS THE NERVE to try and take the books from me and put them away. 

the best: obviously i tell him to fuck off and suck a dick

santa klaus: naturally

the best: AND HE TURNS AROUND ANGRILY AND THIS DICK HAS A FUCKING : RAT TAIL 

gossip gorl: AKSLAJDIOHFIE

godiegogo: ok did u kill him 

the best: yes actually i have his body in my car as we speak

the best: no but seriously this jerkoff has the nerve to talk to me while having a rat tail i cant believe this

santa klaus: ok im glad u said no seriously at the beginnng of ur 2nd text bc otherwise i would have no way of knowing whether or not u actually killed him

the best: ok i stopped murdering ppl like 2 months ago cmon catch up

gossip gorl: yeah catch up

lensbian: ? only 2 months ago who else did u kill

the best: um got to go sorry haha

godiegogo: FIVE

* * *

_HHHHHHHHhhhhhhh, 6 PM_

hentai?: hi everyone 

hentai?: i am high on The grass

the best: oh?

the best: worm?

santa klaus: yes worm we r both very high

lensbian: me 2lol

the best: w/out me?? tf kinda siblings do i have

gossip gorl: ur too young for weed five

the best: IM 58 YEARS OLD

godiegogo: yeah sure whatever u say old man

the best: whatever ill just go get drunk with my BEST FRIEND dolores

santa klaus: does dolores actually exist or are u just making her up

lensbian: yeah ive never met her once

the best: she doesnt speak to sibling betrayers

the best: aka u

hentai?: :( 

the best: dont try to fool w me

the best: benjamin

gossip gorl: i want to meet dolores 

gossip gorl: she seems cool

godiegogo: ikr unbelievable that she would willingly hang out with five

santa klaus: yeah fives a nerd

the best: aw man looks like my 2months of not killing are over 

the best: and no u r not EVER meeting her EVER

lensbian: are you really that embarrassed of us

the best: yes

hentai?: wow..

lil bitch: Lit rally clownery luv xx. 

the best: STOP

* * *

_HHHHHHhhhhhhhhh, 11 AM_

lensbian: guess who met dolores B)

lensbian: not any of you bozos

santa klaus: WHAT! not KLAUS!

lensbian: yes only vanya B-)

the best: ok i regret everything

the best: maybe i should time travel to an hour ago before i thought this was ok

godiegogo: what was she like

hentai?: aw does five have a crush

the best: no? shes dating a girl rn 

the best: we are just very good friends

gossipgorl: just bc shes dating someone doesnt mean you cant have a crush on her

lil bitch: That is very cute.

the best: luther die challenge

lensbian: hey five...she gave me her username 

lensbian: shall i add her

the best: WTF no

santa klaus: do it do it do it do it

gossipgorl: yessss

hentai?: YES

godiegogo: do it vanya >:)

the best: wtf dont dont dont?

lensbian: 2bad4u

_lensbian added thedmachine_

thedmachine: wut lol

the best: ok bye going to commit soup of side

santa klaus: the....D MACHINE?

thedmachine: hello santa klaus

thedmachine: is this five's elusive family

lensbian: yes :)

thedmachine: uh oh lol 

gossipgorl: hi im allison :)

thedmachine: i am dolores

godiegogo: im diego 

the best: ok she knows every one of you you dont have to introduce yourselves

the best: cant believe my only sibling betrayed me 

thedmachine: sadly i do know every single one of you and every reason five has been angry because of you

thedmachine: god hes angry alot

the best: its true i do rage quite a bit

lil bitch: Hi, I'm Luther.

thedmachine: oh god its him?

santa klaus: USIFUOGHEWOFHWI

hentai?: I CANT

the best: d can u leave please

the best: these ppl r not my family 

the best: they BETRAYED me

thedmachine: ive betrayed u many times tho

the best: yeah but i expect that 

the best: NOT FROM YM FAMILY

thedmachine: silence, bottom

santa klaus: SOIFRHOEFHEFHK

the best: silence,thot

thedmachine: its party rockers is

the best: whatr

thedmachine: its. party. rockers. is. 

the best: ok 

hentai?: you heard her its party rockers is

the best: silence e-boy

santa klaus: IM DYING

lensbian: this is either the best or worst thing ive ever done

thedmachine: thanks homo

lensbian: yr welcome homo

thedmachine: anyway

thedmachine: sco pa tu manaa?

lil bitch: What is going on?

thedmachine: sco pa tu manaa?

lil bitch: What is that?

the best: sco pa tu manaa?

santa klaus: hocus pocus bitch

gossip gorl: woah luv....tha caugh me off guard xx

godiegogo: bruh sound #2

lil bitch: What is going on?!

thedmachine: five lets go get coffee

the best: cosigned

thedmachine: vanya and ben u are also invited

santa klaus: what about me ...

thedmachine: soon, child. soon. 

the best: no

the best: he doesnt pay for anything and gets glitter all over the table which makes the waiter mad

thedmachine: hm

thedmachine: klaus u r invited if u pay for ur meal

santa klaus: hell yeah five ur friend is awesome

the best: that is not cosigned 

thedmachine: 2 bad haha

thedmachine: friendship ended with five, now klaus is my best friend

santa klaus: hell yeah we r lets go bb girl

thedmachine: later lgbt's

godiegogo: what about me...?

thedmachine: sorry bruh sound #2 u still have a way to go

godiegogo: do u think making me cry is cool?

hentai?: cya later losers off with the squad

* * *

_HHHHHhhhhhhh, 5 PM_

lensbian: somehow we are now in an abandoned hotel

lensbian: idk how this happened

the best: yeah dolores does that

the best: i just expect everything when im with her

thedmachine: u guys r right next to eachother why not speak

the best: :/

lensbian: :/

thedmachine: dont test me ill cry at you


End file.
